The Detailed Adventures of Lino Valventura
by LesMisLoony
Summary: In 1982 Robert Hossein brought us a movie that was awesomely or boringly accurate in some places and ridiculously incorrect in others. Bittersweet Barricade Day, everybody!
1. Chapter 1

Well, to begin with, let me just say that "The Forgettable Adventures of Richard Valjordan are on hiatus until I either find a full copy of the movie or give up on searching for a full copy of the movie. I just felt so bad for all my threats to John Gay's life when I realised I was watching an abridged version and, according to my sources (yes. I have sources.) the real movie is so complete it even includes The Great Coffin Escape. THE GREAT COFFIN ESCAPE! So yeah, hiatus. But now it's Christmas vacation and I'm kinda bored so I remembered I had the Surprisingly Complete Albeit Poorly Directed 1982 miniseries. And it's another French movie with no English subtitles, so, like The Wacky Adventures of Depardieu, everything I say might be a lie. But I'm a French major now, so you can TOTALLY trust me. (shifty eyes) Totally.

And we begin!

Mud. Feet. Chains. Dirty raggedy pants. Squooshy sounds and trudging. Welcome to the movie! All this goes on for a long time. Lots of trudging and sad feet. Suddenly, a guy with a beard collapses! Some slightly less bare feet trudge over and turn the beardy man over with a gun. Then they trudge away. Then we see another line of squooshy trudgy bare feet going the opposite direction. This place seems AWESOME. But at least the camera has finally panned up enough so that we see torsos and faces, too. And, you know, more chains. And a whole bunch of guys dragging a cart full of rocks.

A non-muddy non-trudgy guy strolls up, and at first I think it's Mrs Trunchbull from that Matilda movie. Oh wow! IMDB says Mrs Trunchbull was also Grace Pool in The Greatest Jane Eyre Movie Ever and that aunt that got all inflated in that one Harry Potter movie I don't remember anything about because David Tennant wasn't in it! And oh man, Matilda. That movie. I used to love it so much. Remember that fat kid who had to eat that giant nasty-looking cake? That was so not on. And that box Mrs Trunchbull put the kids in? Dude, what was Roald Dahl on? I love the guy, but sometimes… ew.

Speaking of ew, Mrs Trunchbull turns out to be Javert! Ah, dear me. This'll be an adventure. He immediately calls out Valjean, who is pulling one of those giant carts (remember earlier? When there were approximately six guys pulling and pushing one?) all by himself, because He Is Strong. As we know. We know this because He Is also Our Hero.

Anyway, Agatha Javert informs Valjean that he is free, which freaks Valjean so much that we get a freezeframe of his stupefied face while as music and titles come out of nowhere. We are then informed that this is the Prologue, and it's 1815, Digne.

1815, Digne. There is a guillotine. There are men standing around it. There is a man about to get guillotined. There is a priest with a Bible. There is a small boy. There are a ton of cuts between the surroundings and the blade of the guillotine and the executioner's gloved hand and the blade of the guillotine and people looking on and the blade of the guillotine and the Bible and SMASH. The priest's white shirtsleeve gets spattered with some Very Red Blood.

By the way, did you know the guillotine was invented by a guy named Doctor Guillotin? Seriously, look it up. Wouldn't he make a really great villain in a really crap horror movie? Standing at the foot of his creation in a lab coat and big leather gloves and one of those white wigs laughing evilly? I wish that would happen. And then said crap horror movie would get MST3K'd, and it would be The Best Thing Ever.

Anyway, there's a sudden cut to a country road and some horses with jingly reins. Small children cavort in a field with sheep as adults look on. This seems like another fun place. An old dude in a cape and one of those tricorne pirate hats is hobbling down a road, and the jingly carriage slows and a guy starts calling "Monseigneur, monseigneur!" Meaning the pirate hat guy is most likely the bishop. Sweet!

Well, the guy in the carriage, who looks slightly like a fleshy Danny DeVito (who DIRECTED Matilda! You guys, it's a running theme now.) turns out to be some senator or something, and he has this long discussion with the bishop about Jesus and Napoleon and stuff. At one point he asks the bishop why he has blood on his sleeve. Unfortunately, the bishop does not whip off his cape and reveal that he is Doctor Guillotin and he's here for your HEAD but instead says he was attending the execution of some poor guy. Oh, right! So the fat-headed priest from that last scene is also the bishop, i.e. not a fat-headed priest at all! Well, I mean, he's still fat-headed, but he's a fat-headed bishop, see? With a tricorne pirate hat. Actually, he goes to take the pirate hat off at one point and reveals another hat underneath it. I mean, to be fair, it's actually a skullcap-y thing, but the concept of that big hat having another hat underneath makes me smile.

Anyway, they chat and some sheep wander by and the bishop is sort of smugly dismissive of everything the God-hating senator says. Also, the senator has some serious Gene Wilder hair poking out from beneath a Super Massive Top Hat. It's kinda sweet. The hat, I mean. The bishop tells him that materialism is admirable and blesses him before ambling away. The senator is like, "What a sweet, dumb old dude. He totes doesn't get me." And then Loony gets distracted by the sexy cape his driver is wearing and stares as they ride away into the sunset.

But alas, we follow fat head instead of the sexy cape, and he hobbles up to a cute little house made of rocks. In front of the house, some kid wearing a hat that makes him look like a Conehead (from France! See, it all comes together!) hands a dish of something to an old man with a really big, oval head and scampers away. The bishop introduces himself to oval face, saying, "Hey, friend! My name is Myriel. Bienvenu Myriel!" and Oval Face is like, "Oh, like the bishop!"

Then the bishop has a seat in a chair that's, like, ten feet away from Oval Face and NOT FACING HIM. Oval Face talks to his back for a long time, and suddenly Loony has a revelation. Oval Face? OVAL FACE! OVAL FACE IS G– THE REVOLUTIONARY! Remember G– from the Book? And how the bishop talked to him for, like, ninety-billion pages and you were like "Um, isn't this supposed to be about Valjean at some point?" Remember that?? Well, they've included it in this movie! And preserved all its boringness, but I'm not complaining! It's accuracy! Actually, it's more accuracy than I really even wanted, but accuracy nonetheless! Hi, G!

What d'you suppose G stands for? Guillaume? Georges? Gilles? Gregg?

Anyway, they chat forever and we finally cut back to my man Valjean, who's being harassed by a guy with tiny specs.

"Nineteen years in the galleys? Why?"

"Five years for stealing bread. Fourteen for trying to escape."

"Fourteen?"

"I tried four times."

I grinned at Valjean's line delivery there. He's just like, "Yeah, whatcha gonna do 'bout it, sucka?" while also being completely serious.

Anyway, Tiny Specs aggressively stamps a piece of paper. THAT'S what he's gonna do 'bout it. Sucka.

Suddenly, a bowling ball is coming straight at the camera! We're in a courtyard, and a dude in a Smee costume is, you guessed it, bowling. Small boys are being enslaved to pick up the skinny pins once he's knocked them down. Actually, the pins look more like those fancy pepper grinder things like my dad insisted on getting for his birthday a while back. He thinks that thing is so cool. But he's old, so we just let him sit there at meals and crunch pepper over his food until it's completely inedible. And then he shakes the pepper off. Old people are so adorable sometimes.

…yeah, okay, my dad's not even fifty yet. But come on, he thinks pepper grinders are magical! That's textbook old age, that is!

Anyway. Smee and his bowling lackeys. Valjean comes up and asks for some food, only to get thoroughly shut down in every way. No food, no rooms, buh-bye. Valjean is So Angry that he kicks the hell outta the pins that those poor slave boys just finished setting up. Smee is all, "Ignore that bad, bad convict and set up my pins again! I got some BOWLING to do!"

A House. A dude and some women are having a nice little meal when Valjean knocks on their door and offers to pay for some foodage. He's about to get some, too, but one of those slave boys from earlier just happens to live in that house and wanders in right then, going, "Hey, dad, that's the convict who kicked over the bowling pins!" and his dad, who has a silly moustache, is all "Kthnxbai CONVICT!"

Another door slams in Valjean's face immediately after, so he's about to nap outside when good ol' Madame de R– shows up and tells him to knock on the bishop's door.

Chez Fat Head. The bishop is supping with OMG BEST BAPTISTINE EVER while Madame Magloire grumps around about how they need to get keys. Valjean pops the door right open, which scares Magloire a LOT, but Bishop Fat Head is immediately like, "Come in, buddy! Hey, hey, have some dinner!" Valjean goes, "Papers papers I'm a convict!" and the bishop's like, "So hey, you wanna spend the night?" Then Valjean manhandles a ginormous loaf of bread and immediately starts slurping his soup in a way that even makes Mademoiselle Baptistine make a face. Valjean picks up his bowl and goes straight-up Beast on it, while Bishop Fat Head is leaning forward and gazing at him like his own personal Belle. In fact, I'm almost positive that Fat Head can hear "Something There" in his head right now. Valjean notices that he's being gazed upon and is like, "Um, I can pay?" and the bishop's like, "You said that already." Completely lost for more conversation topics, Valjean's like "These… are nice… spoons?" and Fat Head goes, "Heck yeah they are, they're silver! So are these CANDLESTICKS." Then Baptistine explains that the silver is the only thing they keep as a memory of their mother. Or something.

Once dinner is over, Fat Head leads Valjean up a twisty staircase to a tiny bedroom with a creepy portrait of a person with tied hands and, it seems, no shirt. Dude, I'm pretty sure Bertha Mason even rejected this room. The picture and its frame are completely skewed and everything. Fat Head takes his leave and Valjean sits on the edge of the bed, contemplating, before he flops over. Then we hear Magloire's voice yelling about the missing silver and cut straight to a pair of constables throwing Valjean onto a floor. Interesting choice from an interesting director. Oh yes, it gets stranger.

So, the constables, one of whom has a hilariously large moustache and the other of whom has wispy blond hair, say Valjean stole the spoons! And Bishop Fat Head says "FALSE!" and gives him the CANDLESTICKS. And Valjean is like "Eh? Okay." And then we zoom into a piece of paper with writing on it while a narrator (When did this movie get a narrator? Seriously.) says something about ignorance, egotism, hypocrisy, and darkness. Then Fat Head sends the constables away so he can save Valjean's soul while Valjean stares at him blankly and the soundtrack makes a rare appearance. I gotta say, this Valjean is doing such a good job playing a rough, dumb convict that I really can't wait to see what happens when he has to be Madeleine or Cosette's dad.

Some woods. The goofiest looking guy I have ever seen is strolling along, whistling, when he trips and rolls down a hill. Oh dear. I assume this is Petit Gervais, but I had no idea Petit Gervais was the village idiot. He's also at least a teenager. Anyway, as he was falling he dropped a coin. He gets up and sees Valjean, who is sitting on the hillside and chowing on something. Creepy Gervais wanders over and stares at his back for a long time. Okay, having read the Book I'm aware that he dropped that coin and Valjean put his foot over it, but the movie isn't showing me this at all. All I see here is this creepy kid asking Valjean for his money while Valjean totally ignores him. Finally, once the kid starts yelling, Valjean turns around, says something I don't get, and turns right back around. So creepy Gervais starts yelling that he's a dirty thief and a big meanie and runs away. Valjean gets up to intimidate him, but then he realises his foot was indeed covering the coin. He grabs it (the coin, not his foot) and runs into a big dramatic field screaming "Petit! Hey, Petit!" but no one's there. The voice that called him a dirty thief comes echoing back, almost drowning under the Super Dramatic Soundtrack that just cranked up, and Valjean covers his ears and goes "NOOOOOOO!" and falls to his knees. Dramatic fade out.

First Book. Montreuil-sur-Mer, 1820.

FALSE! We open in Montfermeil, not Montreuil-sur-Mer. Dummies. We see a pretty convincing inn in a grumbly rainstorm. A perfectly-cast Madame Thénardier is sitting in a doorway while her husband is up on a ladder repainting his sign. In the rain. Good choice, pal. Meanwhile, a super adorable kid (and I have a tendency to HATE children) and her little sister, Éponine and Azelma, of course, are doing the laundry. Eh, it's not swinging on a chain, but I'm still too bogged down by G to complain about accuracy. And those little girls in those little dresses are so darn cute.

Anyway, it's a lovely picture of Thénardier bliss until, oh dear, another French black-haired Fantine strolls up. WTF, France! It's your own Book! You of all countries should bloody know that Fantine la Blonde means FANTINE THE BLONDE. Jeepers, even my little brother figured that one out straightaway. Argh.

Okay. So Fantine the non-Blonde has a terribly funny-looking daughter with, yet again, bangs. Or a fringe, if you're British. Either way. So, why not cast that adorable little Éponine as Cosette, movie? Make me like a young Cosette. Please.

So Madame Thénardier tells Cosette she has a pretty name, and then Cosette runs off to play with Éponine and Azelma. And when I say "play," I mean "do the laundry." In the mud and rain. Can't argue with that logic. Neither can Thénardier, who has gotten all distracted from painting his sign, which I presume should say "Waterloo," but has, for some hilarious reason, only actually painted over the last three letters. Thénardier! Hey, pal, why exactly are you painting from right to left? Is it just to make me laugh, or what? Anyway, Thénardier is dressed quite similarly to musical Thénardier, of which I do not disapprove. Fantine has a cute bonnet. And eyeliner. She tells Madame that Cosette's father is dead. FALSE! Then she says she's on her way to get a job in a big factory. "Say, Madame, can I leave her with you?" "Huh?" "My little girl. On pension." Madame Thénardier is lol'ing over this, but then Thénardier comes waddling over–no, he's not terribly fat, but he definitely did waddle–and starts doing the business deals while Madame acts as a cute little sidekick. Except for not cute. But awesome. So Fantine gives them money and stuff. I can hear rain and I can see puddles, but no one seems to be getting rained on.

Fantine goes over to where the girls are wringing out some laundry in the invisible rain and tells Cosette that Madame Thénardier will watch over her tonight and she'll be back tomorrow. Ah, look at how cute little Éponine and Azelma are! I want to adopt them! Maybe Valjean will accidentally get Éponine instead of Cosette? That would be interesting. Gosh, she's so cute. I hate kids with the exception of that one. Um anyway. So Fantine walks away through some giant puddles and Cosette stares forlornly after her. Tinkly music begins to play. Fade to black.

A Noisy Factory. It's like a dark, cranky version of Santa's workshop, except all the elves are dirty women who look like they want to hurt me. And it smells like mushrooms. In a pretty cool backstory device, small boys are getting a tour of the factory from a teacher, who's making them recite information about how Monsieur Madeleine invented a thing and now their town is doing swell and we like him. Then the teacher guy, who's dressed exactly like Fat Head the bishop was, leads the small boys away. Good. I hate kids. Except that little Éponine. But she didn't even talk, so maybe that's part of it. Anyway, as the boys wander out they pass a dude with his back turned. Let me guess–Madeleine?

Outside, it's raining. Isn't it always? We see some guy in another enormous top hat walk up a flight of stairs. It's seriously raining so much there's, like, a little waterfall going down the stairs. Hardcore.

Massive Top Hat also has a long coat and a beat-y stick. Guess who?

Once inside, we see that Massive Top Hat is none other than Trunchbull Javert, who has come to see Madeleine. Some guy at a desk tries to shake him off by saying that Madeleine is busy, but Javert just stares at him until the guy gets so freaked out he goes to get Madeleine anyway. Javert goes over to stand at a window. Then he opens said window. In the rain. Good choice, Javs.

The desk guy comes back and ushers Javert in.

Madeleine's Office. Javert introduces himself and the camera swoops in upon Madeleine's face. You may not believe me when I say this, but it's Valjean! He's just grown a beard and a bit more hair! And props to Lino Ventura and his acting, because he already seems to have lost a lot of that stupid from earlier. Javert starts to talk about visiting the prisons, but Madeleine says they'll have to talk later. Then some guy runs up to the door with TERRIBLE NEWS about a cart which has run a man down! Madeleine grabs an umbrella and runs off. Javert stands there and stares at the rain for a while, then goes out onto a balcony from which he can dramatically observe Madeleine lifting the cart and howling with awesomeness. They drag Fauchelevant out from beneath it (he's yelling "My leg!" which is never not hilarious) as Javert looms overhead, accompanied by the desk guy. And hey! Fauchelevant looks a lot like Vizzini from Princess Bride! Awesome! Madeleine takes off.

Desk Guy: Have you ever seen anyone so strong?

Javert: Yep. His name was Jean Valjean. (glare-y eyes)

A Nun Hospital. Madeleine comes to visit Fauchelevant in a ward that is packed full of beds with canopies and sick guys. It's kind of awesome. As is Madeleine. Fauchelevant says he has something to say, so the nun buggers off. While Fauchelevant is making his customary "I used to hate ya!" speech, Loony notices someone over Madeleine's shoulder who appears to be an extremely handsome young man in a top hat with awesome cheekbones. It's a bit hard to tell because he's out of focus, but watching him is far more interesting than hearing Madeleine's beautifully accurate ramblings about sending Fauchelevant off to be a gardener at Petit-Picpus. Then the camera pulls in so tight on Madeleine that the blurry hot guy is no longer in the shot, which makes Loony sad. Well, at least I have my accuracy.

Of course, then there's a wide shot as Madeleine gets up to leave, and the background is in focus. The problem is, Madeleine is standing right in front of the hot guy in the top hat. MOVE, curse you, I want to SEE!

Madeleine complies. Oh dear. It's not a hot guy at all. Neither is it a top hat. In fact, it's a bonnet. And a middle-aged woman.

Fail.

Fauchelevant drinks some soup with a pitiful expression on his face.

Santa's Depressing Workshop. Some lady has gotten ahold of Fantine's letter, and she's reading it out very slowly. That's a nice detail; she sucks at reading. Because she's poor and forced to work in the brownest factory ever. Fantine is nearby trying to jump her, but a bunch of other women are holding her back. She's so not happy. Then we get a cut to Fantine bringing Cosette to the Thénardiers, which only happened, like, five minutes ago and doesn't really require a flashback. I feel like the director just called me stupid. The women start chanting "A bastard, a bastard!" (talking about Cosette, of course, though I think it would apply to Thénardier as well…) and Fantine flips out and straight-up ATTACKS the other woman. All the other factory people are cheering them on, too. The girls roll around on the ground and flash all sorts of thigh and rip at each others' dresses. I guess if I were differently-inclined I'd enjoy this? Oh man, Fantine PWN'S the other lady! But then some little tattletale goes running for the boss lady, who comes swooping in and says "YOU WILL ALL BE PUNISHED!" while almost running face-first into the camera. Fade to black.

Fantine is leaning against a barred gate with tears in her eyes. The camera pulls back to reveal that she's looking into the factory, where all the dirty-faced women are working like good little elves, tapping away at whatever it is they're making. Someone says, "Look at Fantine!" and they all stop tapping and lean up to stare at her. The boss lady comes out and tells them to get back to work, so they do. Fantine is still gazing miserably at them all. One lady–it might even be the one who was reading her letter out and started the fight–starts pounding on her desk really slowly. I guess this is to protest Fantine being fired? It catches on, and soon the whole factory is doing it. The boss lady and her crony come out and tell them to quit it, but they can't stop the beat! Fantine turns away and some creepy dude wishes her luck. Freezeframe and fade to black.

My Favourite Part of Part One. There is a picture of Fantine the non-Blonde, dark haired and dark-eyed, staring right into the camera. In voiceover, Thénardier recites a letter in which he asks for money. The picture of Fantine crossfades into another picture in which her hair was been cut short. Mopey choral music plays on the soundtrack. Thénardier recites another letter and we crossfade into a picture in which Fantine is missing a tooth and has mascara streaked down her cheeks. Thénardier recites another letter.

A Tavern. A bunch of men feel up some lady. Someone plays the piano. Everyone sings. Loony gets really tickled when a woman with a boa and feathery hat staggers past a table at which sits our own Javert. He doesn't look very comfortable. HILARIOUS. What's he doing there? Waiting for mischief to go down so he can throw somebody in the Chokey? If so, he's in luck, because at that moment someone throws open the door and says, "Quick, come look! It's la Fantine!" and the entire contents of the pub pour out into the snowy streets. Jeepers, is it ever SUNNY in this town?

Well, Fantine is in the middle of another brawl, and this time it's with a gross-looking gentleman who is, I suppose, Bamatabois. He's trying to kiss her and she's delivering a pretty sweet beatdown. Well, until he throws her down, drags her back up, backs her up to a wall, and kisses her. Fantine doesn't like this. A big crowd of creepy people cheer her on. Javert is there too, but he's just kind of chilling until Fantine's dress gets ripped and shows just a little too much cleavage. Javert DOES NOT LIKE THIS. Brawls? Eh, okay. Potential rape? Well, if you must. Slight boobage? OH MY GOD COME WITH ME TO THE STATION RIGHT NOW YOU HUSSY. Fantine looks fierce in many ways as she follows him. I love her and her black hair. She coughs. The crowd shuffles back into the pub, most of them laughing.

The Station. A clock ticks. Javert fills out paperwork. Fantine is behind another grate and doesn't want to have six months away from her kid, because, um, she'll die. Javert doesn't care. You know how it goes. She rants and coughs and weeps for a bit, and when she falls silent Javert just stares at her and goes, "You done? Good." Douchebag! Fantine reaches through the bars and grabs his lapels, but Javert yanks her hands away and clamps them right back onto the bars. He calls for a sergeant, but looks up and goes, "Oh, it's you, M'sieur le maire."

Indeed it is! Madeleine is here, no worries, and he shall save the day! Though Fantine has a slightly less kind of view of him. She yells about how it's his fault she got fired. Madeleine wants her freed. Javert doesn't. Madeleine says Javert did a bad job arresting the right person. Javert disagrees. Madeleine cites some serious laws at him and Loony says "Booya! Win!" Javert splutters for a sec, then wanders off. Madeleine looks through the bars at Fantine, who cries and asks for forgiveness before she starts coughing and panting. Poor thing. Madeleine turns and says demands she be let out, and quickly! Some constables rush over. Fade to black.

UNEXPECTED CREDITS! Part one ends here, I guess. The credits roll slowly to the sound of some really annoying fairground music. I can picture a little monkey in a vest dancing to this, but in slow-motion. It's like the saddest fair ever. Tune in next time for zombie Cosette, boring nuns, and, once again, so much Book-accuracy that it leaves little room for snarky commentary from an accuracy freak! Yay? It doesn't start getting super weird until we meet Montparnasse and the students.


	2. Chapter 2

Tada, the long-delayed part two has arrived! Try not to get too excited.

Right away, that mopey choral music begins again and we get credits rolling over a close up of a very confused-looking still of Valjean as a convict. Now, the soundtrack is a bit odd in this film, so I'd like to go ahead and make a catalogue of all the music I've heard so far.

Track one: the mopey choral music. Used so far in the opening, usually amongst scenes of rain and poverty, and when Valjean has A Revelation. It's very Requiem-esque, but not as awesome as some requiems are.

Track two: the tinkly flashback music. This sounds like a pathetic little music box and has so far only been used in that scene with little Cosette (who was really not so very little at all, I have been reminded to mention–she appeared to be at least a preteen when Fantine left her with the Thénardiers. Tsk.) It's mopey too, but in a more sedate way.

Track three: the terrible fairground music. This is the tune that plays during the closing credits, is very repetitive, and makes me want to die. The music that puts a picture in the mind of that sad, mangy little monkey dancing about in a tattered vest and a partially-smashed fez, desperately trying to earn a few cents while his owner lays in a puddle of his own pee nearby and tries to summon up the strength to keep grinding at that stupid little organ thing. I don't remember it being used in the actual story yet, but believe me, you'll know when it is. I will TELL you.

Now, that little catalogue has lasted throughout the mopey choral music and the uninspired title sequence. Welcome to part two!

Oh wait! First, the narrator voice (remember? Sometimes there's a narrator!) recites what has happened thus far while a hilariously bad slideshow of stills from part one slip by accompanied by random sound effects and… oh dear God, the terrible fairground music. This is like… I can imagine the narrator being some guy who was held back for years and years in school and for his senior project in French class he has to put together a PowerPoint about Les Mis, you know? And this is all he's got, poor sucker: Baby's First Slideshow. In other news, it's been so long since I've written fanfic that apparently I've had my computer memory wiped in the interval and I now must teach spellcheck words like "Mis" and "fanfic." FOR SHAME.

Okay, so Jean Valjean was a convict (chains rattle, feet squish in mud) then he was released and met the bishop, "A SAINT," and learned that there was goodness in the world. But he got arrested after stealing some silver and grew a beard and became mayor (carriages rumbling on cobblestones). Fantine gave Cosette to the Thénardiers and then got in a fight. For the fight we get swoopy pictures of Fantine and the woman she was fighting zooming around the screen, making me kind of dizzy, accompanied by the sounds of women yelling at each other. Hilarious. Fantine got fired. She became a ho and got in another fight. Then she got sick and arrested and freed. Valjean lifted a cart and Javert was suspicious. Not sure why I felt the need to recap this. I'm sure you know what went down…

Aha, stuff happens! Javert goes up some stairs and encounters one of those nuns in those ENORMOUS hats that seem to be made of the paper teachers use to cover bulletin boards. He asks after the mayor, who is hanging out with Fantine and not to be disturbed. However, simply by saying "I freaking want to talk to him okay" Javert is allowed in. Wow, that's clout. Javert follows the nun up the rest of the stairs and she goes into Fantine's room, where Madeleine is getting Fantine to sign that letter so he can go get Cosette. There is a flipping massive crucifix above Fantine's head. If that thing fell off the wall I'm pretty sure it would kill her. And that would be ironic.

The nun calls Madeleine out of the room in a whispery voice. In the hall, Javert is waiting. Ooh. Valjean is wearing one of those awesome coats that have the little cape-y part at the top, which is cool and I want one. Javert is still wearing his ginormous top hat despite being indoors. Silly Javert.

They have a serious discussion. It is about how Javert wants to be fired for being a douchebag. DUDE. My spellcheck just tried to automatically capitalise "douchebag." Why? Anyway, he reported Madeleine as Valjean and all that, you know, and Valjean doesn't wanna fire him because, quite frankly, he was right. If he HAD fired him, do you reckon Javert would have gone all, like, vigilante or something once it came out that Madeleine was Valjean? That would have been SWEET. In the background, nuns walk with sick people.

That's another thing that's actually genuinely good about this movie. There's always a sense of the setting, you know? Like you can hear voices in the street and dogs barking outside, or nuns tending to sick people in the next room. It's got a level of realism that I'm not used to from generic Hollywood movies.

Uh-oh, now there's a crucifix and the mopey choral music. Madeleine is gazing into a mirror which is framed by the candlesticks and what appears to be the inseparable, though maybe it's just a box. I start to expect too much from this movie sometimes, as it's been so (too?) faithful to the Book thus far. But then again, what would be in the inseparable now? He hasn't met Cosette or anything. I guess the candlesticks? But it's too small for that. Okay, this is seriously not important at all and I apologise for wasting your time.

As the mayor stares at his reflection we crossfade into a carriage going top speed. In that carriage… MADELEINE! Off to Arras to do some Champmathieu saving.

The Terribly-Directed Courtroom Sequence. The camera holds completely still and all of a sudden some guy's head pops up into my line of vision, directly in the middle of the screen. He starts yelling that Champmathieu is totally not a thief cos there's no proof. Then we cut to another shot with a different guy, also right in the middle of the screen, also just a close-up on his head. He's talking about how Valjean stole some money from a kid. Cut back and the same guy from before pops up into the frame again. I guess he must have sat down at some point, but from the way it's presented it kinda looks like he's just popping up higher and higher with every shot. Maybe he's been getting into the Arras Brand Fizzy Lifting Drink. Who knows? He argues with that other guy, and then a third guy appears in the same exact way, just a face in the middle of the screen. Right. This guy calls for Brevet, Clochepaille, and Chenildieu. The three men walk right up into the camera, but because the shots are set up so strangely, you only see the middle dude's face and the shoulders of the guys on either side of him. The middle dude, by the way, looks like that bald pirate from Curse of the Black Pearl who hangs out with that tall pirate with the wooden eye. I know their characters have names, but I can only remember the actors' names, so that's no good. Mackenzie and Lee… I don't know.

Anyway, about the Les Mis movie! I'm just so full of tangents today, geez.

The three convicts declare one at a time that Champmathieu, who is played by Lino Ventura, of course, is Jean Valjean. Also wait just a minute! When the guys declare that it's Valjean, you know, they each stagger straight up to the camera amongst rattling chains, but then the camera cuts away to the judge and when it cuts back they're all standing in a straight line again. I call shenanigans! Continuity shenanigans!

Blahdeblah, Champmathieu is a silent kind of stupid in this movie, which is pretty lame, because I'm very fond of the crazy kind. Anyway, there's a big impressive shot that pans jerkily around the courtroom, presumably to show how cool they are for including Champmathieu and Valjean in the same shot despite their being the same actor. Whatever, it just comes off looking sloppy.

Valjean calls out the convicts one at a time, then takes off his hat and says to Champmathieu, "Monsieur, you are free." Ooh, callback to the first line of the movie! I like it. However, is it weird that I really rather miss the 1978 woodcutter speech? I think that one was slightly more Bookish. Anyway, Champmathieu and his big hairy moustache get all teary-eyed. The orchestral version of the mopey chorus music plays. If it's the same tune, just without singing, does it qualify as track four on the Very Short Soundtrack of the 1982 Movie? I say no.

Valjean quickly packs a bag and includes the candlesticks, of course.

It's night. Fantine wakes mumbling about Cosette and Valjean, that LYING LIAR, LIES and says she's here. Just voluntarily. Then, the little twerp turns to NEVER TOLD A LIE SIMPLICE and says, "Isn't that right, sister?" to which OF COURSE the poor thing has to say yes. So THANKS, Valjean, THANKS A LOT, because you just RUINED her LIFE because you're being a total douche and what was so wrong about the way that Book Valjean let Simplice lie? Gosh darn you, Lino Val Ventura. Gosh darn you to heck. WAY TO GO, VALJEAN. WAY TO FORCE THE NUN TO BACK UP YOUR LIE BY USING A DYING WOMAN AND GUILT. I hate you now. Fredric March never would have done that.

So it's dark and Fantine is glittery with sweat and the nun tells her Cosette is pretty. What the heck, let's cut back to the inn scene one more time! There's Fantine walking off in the invisible rain, there's Cosette looking after her, and there's the tinkly flashback music. Fantine is dead.

SHENANIGANS! Where is Javert? For serious! I don't think I've seen a movie where Javert didn't scare Fantine to death! Or maybe I have, I don't know.

Oh, and there he comes. YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE, BUDDY. He says "Valjean. You're going to follow me to the prison." For heaven's sake, even Charles Laughton delivered that "Valjean" with more gumption than this! Doesn't Hugo go on and on about how the way Javert said that was horrible and snarl-y or something? Doesn't he?? Because this Javert just kind of says it, like the way you'd say, "Valjean, I'm off to do some more homework. See you in a bit, I guess." SHENANIGANS.

Uh okay, so we get that conversational little, "Ah! Valjean." thing from Javert and then Valjean tells him that three days are all he needs and WAIT WAIT WAIT FANTINE IS ASLEEP. Not dead. I think. No, wait, never mind… I think she's dead… I disapprove in a forserious fashion. No, yeah, Valjean just said she was dead. My bad. I guess I foolishly expected him to display emotion or something. Anyway, Javert asks him to follow but Valjean elects to jump through a window instead. Which I *think* would wake Fantine if she were alive, so I'm gonna assume that yeah, she's dead. Fail, "accurate" movie. FAIL.

WATERLOO! OMG Waterloo! It was a brief flashback to Waterloo and Thénardier doin his corpse-robbing fun stuff. Now he's sitting at the table telling the story while his wife eats soup from a giant wooden serving spoon and Éponine or Azelma pokes a doll with a screwdriver while Azelma or Éponine balls up some kind of dough. No one really seems to be listening to Thénardier's crappy Waterloo story. Don't blame 'em. I often skim the Waterloo section myself. Also, no one else seems to be in the inn at all, which is not great for business. Anyway, Thénardier grabs a candle and wanders out of the room mumbling about "Pontmercy. Colonel Pontmercy. He was very rich."

Madame calls Cosette up from under the stairs, where she seems to be knitting, and tells her to take her bucket and a coin and go and fetch some water from the well in the wood and either the kid has bad gas or there's a cow somewhere in the room. This worries me. It also worries me that Cosette has raggedy blonde hair. She BETTER become a brunette by the time she gets out of the convent, let me tell you.

So Cosette takes her big old bucket and goes out into the woods, where menacing things happen. Like birdcalls. Terrifying. To be honest, after a while the birdcalls actually start to sound like lemurs and I start to think how cool it would be if there were more lemurs in Les Mis. Don't ask me how or why. Just go with it. Like, imagine Javert walking a pet lemur on a leash. It would have, like, those spikes on its collar, you know? A police lemur. The lemur equivalent of K9. Not K9 the robot dog from Doctor Who, either, but K9 the police guys who have dogs for some reason.

Oh dear Lord what was I talking about? I should never do these recaps at three in the morning. When I'm high on nail polish fumes (not intentionally, mind! I'm doing little French flags on me fingers for June 6th while I watch the movie, okay?) and lack of sleep.

UHHH Cosette is in the woods. With a bucket. And lemurs. BIRDS. Not lemurs. It really does sound like the birdhouse thing at the zoo, though. The aviary? Kind of ridiculous. And I'm saying that chiefly because it's night. Though I've never been to France. For all I know night is when all the parrots and lemurs come out.

She finally approaches either a public urinal, a fountain, or the well in the wood. It's kind of a mini-waterfall that seems to be coming out of a stump. Bad lighting. While she's filling the bucket some legs appear and tell her she's too little to carry the bucket herself or something. The camera pans up to reveal that those legs belong to none other than Monsieur Jean Valjean! Who knew.

Man, they spent two full minutes of the movie on Cosette wandering through the woods set to bird-lemur noises when they could have included the scene where she can't carry the pail and cries out to God and then Valjean appears? I mean, come ON, movie! You had G–! You can't have stuff like G– and omit details like that that could so easily be included, you know?

LOL what am I talking about? You'd think by now I'd have seen enough of these films to know that the good never lasts past part one. NEVER. No matter how accurate you think the French are going to be at the beginning, by the time you introduce Cosette the audience at home is scratching their heads and squinting in confusion at the screen. Or, in my case, recapping crankily. At 3:00 in the morning. Oy.

SUDDEN CUT! Cosette is freaking SCREECHING in my ear for heaven's sake and I have to turn the volume down else I'll get blood on my headphones. Gosh. I'm just sitting here enjoying the "jungle ambiance" soundtrack from the woods scene and all of the sudden, unexpected child abuse! Geez. Ow. Anyway, Madame's pissed because her coin has gone missing and she really wants to slap Cosette. I kind of do too at this point. My ear! You don't even know! But then Valjean earns my love yet again by shutting them up when he gives Madame another coin, saying he thinks it's hers. Madame agrees that it is, but as soon as Valjean turns his back she noms it a little to make sure it's forreal. Which I doubt she'd have done if it was her coin. She has Cosette fetch Valjean some delicious wine.

Cosette brings Valjean some delicious wine while Madame and Monsieur conspire a little bit and gaze at Valjean. Then Valjean randomly has a doll and asks Cosette what she thinks of it. She thinks it's "belle," that's what she thinks of it. Then there's a wide shot of the Thénardiers sitting up on this loft thing, and sure enough, there's a cow under them! Why? Why is there a cow in the inn? I want to make some kind of Bethlehem joke but it's too early in the dang morning for that. If anyone can come up with a really good one I'll totally put it in the next chapter where it will be very relevant, I assure you.

Anyway, Cosette is permitted to touch the doll, go her. She's going to name it Catherine, she says, though she doesn't know why, and then she's even permitted to play thanks to the kind stranger! Aww, Cosette, things are looking up! I hope you become a good actress like you did in 2000 when Gerard Depardieu was your adopted daddy.

Well, Thénardier shows up and chats with Valjean about how business isn't great and they're renting out rooms to cows now, apparently, and it sucks raising someone else's kid. Valjean asks if he wants rid of her and gets mumbled at for a long time while the camera starts pulling away for some reason. Valjean finally asks How much? and Thénardier says fifteen hundred. Cosette is huddled in the corner making sad eyes at this.

Boy soprano music plays! My goodness, this is a legitimate track four! Valjean and Cosette stroll away from the inn through a foggy meadow and grin back and forth at each other. Peachy!

Paris, One Year Later. The Scene That Almost Gave Loony a Good Heart Attack the First Time She Saw It. That's a long description, but I'm sure you'll be okay. There's a cranky looking man with one of those faces like the Sims creates for unlovable NPC townies, those guys with narrow eyes and chubby cheeks and fat lips who show up running restaurants in the expansion packs and are great fun to kill with boolProp cheats when they walk by your Sims' houses. Anyway, a guy with a face like an unwanted Sim is sitting there and sulking while cops talk at him about how he's not talking or naming the other guys. Javert is there, of course, and he says the guy's name is Gustave, I think. All right. He then says that the reason the cops want Gustave here to talk is because he's pals with Claquesous, Babet, and Montparnasse. WAIT A MINUTE HOLD UP YES. Oh holy smokes. Because now I forgive you, movie, I forgive you for one JUST ONE MIND of your faults. Hmm, let's see… I'm gonna narrow it down to three choices: being boring, forcing Simplice to lie in a stupid way, and incorrectly killing Fantine.

Wait what? Now Javert is calling Gustave here Gueulemer. THAT. Is Gueulemer? Listen… alright, alright, I guess I shouldn't whine. At least Gueuly's in a film, right? And not being replaced by that hussy Brujon, right? Okay. Still, you've already messed things up enough that I can no longer forgive you for being boring. I think you can redeem your forgiveness coupon for incorrectly killing Fantine at the front desk now. I'll wait till you get back.

Okay, you good? Excellent. Let's get back to, uh… Gustave Gueulemer?

Maybe they said he works for somebody named Gustave or something… geez, I gotta brush up on my French.

Anyway! Gueulemer! In a film! With a bigger role than all the other boys so far! That'll show them for replacing him with that HAG Brujon in the musical! Hey, maybe Bahorel will have a significant role in this movie, too! Maybe he'll replace a lesser Ami, like… haha, the only one I don't specifically like is Enjolras. And that ain't gonna happen. I hope. Kind of.

AHH JAVERT JUST SAID GUEULEMER AND THE OTHER THREE FORMED THE PATRON-MINETTE AND THEN BABET WORKED FOR BOBECHE AND BOBINO AND THEN HE SAID CLAQUESOUS IS A VENTRILOQUIST WHO ONLY COMES OUT AT NIGHT AHHHHH ACCURACYGASM! WHOA. WHOA. GOOD HEAVENS. BECAUSE HE'S SAYING ACCURATE THINGS ABOUT THE OTHER BOYS AND I KNOW WHO COMES NEXT AHHHHH.

"I know that Montparnasse is only twenty. That he's a handsome boy. (Something I can't make out), effeminate, elegant and ferocious." LOONY NEEDS TO GO CHANGE HER PANTS BE RIGHT BACK.

DEAR GOD. Okay, now I also forgive you for being boring, movie! Dear God!

But I'm still pissed about the Simplice thing, okay? That ain't cool.

Anyway, Javert continues to show off that he read that one section of the Brick about the Patron-Minette and stuff and Gueulemer looks quite bored. Then Javert starts talking about argot and it's like, dude, Norman Denny couldn't even handle this stuff for his "unabridged" book… what makes you think it'll work out in the movie?

OH DIEU. As Javert is leaving the room the other cops start yelling the names of those Patron-Minette redshirts. I specifically heard Boulatrelle. Holy heavens!

Uh okay new scene. Good. I don't think my poor heart can take anymore. Valjean is homeschooling Cosette in a really gross dirty room just like every other dirty room in this film. He explains things like the meaning of "marvellous" and how Cosette's mother was pretty cool too. I love hearing the people talking out in the streets and stuff. This movie is fun. Despite its boringness and Javert's ridiculously large hat, which is currently right outside Valjean's window. Valjean looks unhappy at this development.

The Running of the Prostitutes! I swear to God that's what's happening. A group of women who can't not be prostitutes are all jogging together, being herded by cops. I swear. This is beautiful. They run right into the cops' cart just like Jeremy and Jemima did with the Childcatcher. This scene is clearly not even relevant to the rest of the film, because then we see Valjean's landlady nosing around his door and reporting back to Javert. Javert is already a step ahead, however, and has recruited an army of littler men in Napoleon hats to follow his enormous top hat around. He brushes the landlady aside and marches right up into that Gorbeau Tenement.

Awesomely and unsurprisingly, they're too late! Valjean and Cosette are already well gone. Haha.

Javert looks vaguely embarrassed, but then sets his guys on the three possible paths they must have taken. Cosette has even left her writing stuff behind. Except there's a note from Valjean for the landlady: "I owe you a month. Here's three!" Win.

Speaking of win. Cosette and Valjean are now in the convent garden. They came in through the door that Book Valjean wishes he'd known about in the first place. There's appropriately creepy chanting from inside. Valjean knocks on Fauchelevant's window. Dang, that was rather easy. Where's Cosette's half-dead-ness and the knee bell scene, ey? Gosh.

Well, their lame escape sure confused Javert's moustachioed Napoleon impersonator army. This makes him sad for about half a second. Then he stomps off.

Fauchelevant's Little Hagrid Hut. He's telling about the bell! Aw, good, I like that knee bell. He's also laughing and chewing with his mouth open. Valjean looks like such a gentleman, too. It's like The Odd Couple: The Early Years. The two old guys decide Cosette can go to convent school when she wakes up. Then Valjean makes a dramatic face and looks kind of like Abe Lincoln, weirdly enough. Either that or my granddaddy.

The next morning Valjean drinks a bowl of coffee or something. Fauchelevant tells him about how the bell tolls for some nun who died and OH DEAR GOD PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS LEADING UP TO A GREAT COFFIN ESCAPE SEQUENCE. He grabs his knee bells and staggers out, nomming coffee soup on the way.

Outside. Fauchelevant and his knee bells (which are, I'm afraid, in his hand) see a group of nuns and nun children. They stare at him in all his manly glory for a moment, then spin around on their heels and hurry away.

Inside. Fauchelevant talks to a pretty fierce looking Mother Superior. She wants the recently dead nun, Mother Ascension, I think… or Mother Crucifixion… are these actual names?... to be buried in the chapel. Coffin escape! Coffin escape! Eerie church music is echoing in the background, like Sister Act before Whoopi showed up. Fauchelevant agrees to help bury dead nun in the chapel. YOU KNOW, HE NEEDS. THE COFFIN ESCAPE. Fauchelevant says he needs his brother to help him, and by the way said brother has a daughter. The Mother Superior looks interested.

Fade to black. Oh dear, please no… GOSH DANG. The Great Coffin Escape has been skipped! Okay, I'll forgive this, sure, but I'm mad about Simplice again. Fine. We had that same dang "He answers well" scene that every half-decent movie manages to include. Then they look at Cosette and say she will be ugly. Haha.

Fauchelevant and his knee bells lead Cosette and Valjean into the gardener hut thing. The boy soprano music, or rather, track four, plays in a rather melancholy way. A crossfade cuts to Valjean and a young lady in a circular bonnet walking out. In fact, Valjean walks right into the camera. When someone does this in a movie, I always feel the need to say ow. So, ow.

In That Same Room With The Reverend Mother. You know she's older cos she has glasses and a slight moustache. Valjean says he and Cosette are planning to peace out and gives the Reverend Mother money. Cosette… oh dear. She's brunette and rather pretty, but she doesn't actually have facial expressions. That's unfortunate. They leave and the Reverend Mother tells them to be happy.

Fairground music time! Here ends the second phase in the life on Jean Valjean, I guess. Gee, that was a long one.

Uh-oh! Turns out the boy soprano music is actually the same as the tinkly music which I believe is track two… so, no dice. Still no track four. Come ON, soundtrack!


End file.
